Intricate Chaos

The end of December always brings mixed emotions for me. I’m always anticipating the new year, mourning the loss of another year, and reminiscing on what the finished one brought to me and my family. This year feels a little different, though. I’m not sure if that’s because I feel more accomplished (… maybe…) or if it has more to do with being a mom (… probably…). Everyone has always told me that time moves so much faster once you’ve had children. I had no idea. My son is 17 months old, but this time last year was still a blur, being that it was my first New Year’s as a mom, right after my first Christmas and Thanksgiving as a mom. And he was still tiny. So tiny. Still with that “new baby smell.” Ahh… almost makes me want to give him a sibling. But not quite yet.

I remember this time last year I had been contemplating my resolution(s) for some time. And I began thinking, “screw resolutions. I don’t need one.” And then 2011 was here and I thought, “we’ll call it a goal. That’s not so scary. Not that I NEED one, but it’s just what you do.” So I decided that 2011 would be the year that I would finish all of the unfinished projects I had sitting in my art room. Now, to some, that means a few finishing touches on a couple of craft projects. To me it meant so much more. It meant that I would have to re-introduce myself to a world I had been missing from for all too long. A world that I held so dearly and missed so much. It also meant I could fail. It meant I could fall flat on my face and find that the person I thought had been living at my core wasn’t who I thought she was. Wasn’t there at all. I know, I know, a little dramatic, right? Yeah. I’m a little dramatic. But I would rather we call me “passionate” than dramatic. Deal?

So… as I was saying… My “goal” for the year was to tie up loose ends. I think that I knew deep down inside that this would force me to do some serious soul searching. And it did. And I am SO THANKFUL.

About five months ago I had a series of revelations that turned my life inside out and backwards. And I like it so much better this way. SO. MUCH. BETTER. It’s crazy how we lose sight of the things that matter to us (or gain sight on something we think might possibly matter more), for whatever reason, and how beautiful and rewarding it feels to be able to admit to yourself, “I’m glad I tried it, but it’s not my favorite.” To be able to love yourself enough to walk away. To be able to love your family and friends enough to stop pretending to be something you aren’t.

I am currently in a place where I feel like I belong. I feel… right. I’m being true to myself, and that is such a big deal to me. I guess what I’m saying is that I feel accomplished. And you know what? I didn’t finish my unfinished projects. Not even half of them. And you know what else? I am A. O.K. with that. Because when I was talking with my sister the other day about her list of resolutions for 2012 I got to thinking… I accomplished A LOT in 2011. And for no reason other than it felt right. My heart told me to do something, and I LISTENED. For no one but myself, I would love to recap these accomplishments here. I’m hoping they might bring you some inspiration, because I want you to know, none of these things had a deadline. Not one of them was something I said to myself “I NEED to do this. And I need to do it in 2011.” These were just things that were important to me.

-February 2011: I joined Weight Watchers. By May 2011 I had lost 40 pounds.

-May 2011: I completed a 5K. I didn’t run the whole thing, but I didn’t walk the whole thing either. What mattered to me was that I finished.

-July 2011: my beautiful baby boy turned one. And exactly one week before his birthday I quit smoking. For him and for me. At the time of this post it has been five and a half months since I had a cigarette. And I feel amazing. This was also the month that my beautiful baby boy was admitted to the hospital for 3 days over a serious and unexplained virus. I held him down for a spinal tap. Me and three doctors. It’s true that you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

-August 2011: I went to California with my mom, dad, brother, sister, husband, and [very recently discharged from the hospital] son. My hubby and my baby got to see the beach and meet my [extended] family for the first time. I learned that I could enjoy and find peace in an overwhelmingly uncomfortable situation. (I hate to travel. But I did it. And I didn’t lose anything or anyone. MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT!!) That month I also turned 26. This age is beautiful.

-October 2011 I made the leap to leave my job and be a true stay at home/work at home mom. I think I enjoy Sesame Street more than I should.

-November 2011: I posted my first original piece to Etsy.com. Within one week I had made my first sale and I have made 5 more since then. Etsy is a safe place for me. A place where I feel appreciated when I live in a community that doesn’t seem to have much of an appreciation for the arts. It’s my happy place.

-December 2011: I joined the beautiful Scentsy family as a consultant and began producing some extra income for my family. I truly love the product and I have felt so important to the gals around me.

All of that being said…. I still don’t have a resolution this year. And maybe I will resolve not to. I don’t want the motivation and energy I’ve gained in 2011 to redirect. I love the direction I’m headed. So I’m going to roll 2011 right into 2012. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

And I’m going to make it all beautiful.

That’s what I will resolve to do.